The Pained
A weak breath.
Alarmed eyes.
A raspy cough.
That's all I'm aware of,
That and his grip on my hand,
Squeezing as hard as his fading muscles could,
As if that would stop the life from leaving him.
But he knows it’s futile,
Has known.
From the beginning,
He knew this would be his last chance.
How he knew escapes me,
Because raids have gone wrong before.
And he always knew.
And he always got us away.
Why?
Why this time?
Why now, when we finally have enough numbers to challenge them?
Why him?
Of all people.
I should have stopped them.
I could have,
I know that.
I had seen her approach him,
See the glint of light reflecting off the metal.
But I had been selfish,
Had been silly,
Thinking he would realize she was there when he was locked in combat already,
Tuned out the world.
No.
That's what he would have said.
He wouldn't have let me take the hit for him.
And I admired him for that.
I nudge his arm.
His eyes are closed,
Like he is just going to sleep.
But he wasn't.
He was going to the eternal sleep.
Maybe its rash of me,
To keep him with me as long as possible.
Because the pain he is in obvious.
I had never seen him admit to pain before,
Even though we both had our fair share of it.
But he had always stayed strong.
Not this time.
I help him sit up,
Prop him up against the boulder sitting behind us.
I can tell it is hard,
But he lets me.
He turns his head slightly,
Fixes his piercing dark blue eyes on me.
Still sharp,
But lacking the defiant spark I was used to seeing.
I feel the tears building in my eyes,
But I force them away.
No, he doesn't want me to cry for him.
No, he doesn't want me to pity him.
No, he doesn't want me to wish he were alive, when he is gone.
He takes in a long breath,
Rattling in his lungs.
I lean over and rest my head on his chest,
Carefully avoiding the wound spreading on his side,
And the spring of blood flowing from it.
“Don't let them break you,”
He whispers,
His voice so hoarse it’s unrecognizable.
“Lead them... get our freedom back.”
Now the tears are coming out,
And I can't stop them.
How can I lead the rebellion with him gone?
He was the brave one,
He was the smart one.
He kept everything together.
I stayed by his side.
“Yes... I will...”
My voice sounds higher than normal.
I will.
And suddenly,
He is still.
I don't hear the rasp of his breath.
And I know he's gone,
Starting the road to eternity.
I close my eyes,
Cross my fingers across my heart.
"I, Isaura Merel, promise on my soul and living spirit,
To keep the spirit of Salar Aric,
Alive in the rebels,
To win back the freedom they deserve,"
I say,
"And I promise to lead them,
And guide them,
And make sure none get broken.
And on his death do I keep life."
I straighten my fingers,
Kiss the tips,
And place them on his forehead.
"Goodbye..."
I stand up,
Cross the field to the crowd of men and women,
All dirt-covered and bloody.
"Bringers of Right, today begins a new age."
And I swear,
For a second I see him in front of me,
Smiling.
Because,
Truly,
A new age has begun.
For us all.
Especially me.
A leader.
Because we are the pained,
And we never give in.
The Gone
In the event of Death,
There are three emotions in one's head.
The first?
Is guilt.
Guilt for leaving.
Guilt for stopping.
Guilt for not trying,
Guilt for lying.
Guilt for giving in-
Because all deaths are when you give in,
Aren't they?
The second?
Is sadness.
Sadness for heaving.
Sadness for needing.
Sadness for fading,
Sadness for not waiting.
Sadness for leaving forever-
Because you never come back from Death,
Do you?
And the third?
Is happiness.
Happiness for no more pain.
Happiness for no more standing in the rain.
Happiness for no longer thinking,
Happiness for no longer knowing.
Happiness for leaving all those behind-
Because even when they join you, they'll never see you,
Will they?
The first thing you notice is the pain-
Or maybe I was just diluted, carrying a massive wound on my side-
And I-
When-
When did I get it?
And how-
How am I against a boulder?
Wasn't I...
Wasn't I over in a field?
And sun, there was sun-
It's clouds now, all clouds-
Black hair, streaked with dirt and blood and-
Who is she?
I- I know her-
I've seen her-
She knows me, I know it-
That look in her eyes, I’ve seen it before-
And my eyes are closing-
Why are they closing?
I'm not tired!
It's too bright-
The clouds, they're... they're gone-
I'm holding onto her, I realize-
So hard, too hard,
I can see in her eyes.
But how do I let go?
The edges, they're fading fast now.
Lines of vision-
Wait, I'm not seeing, am I?
I shouldn't be.
My eyes are closed; I know they're closed-
But she,
That girl...
Her name, oh god. Her name.
I mean, her name, I know it-
I've heard it, I've spoken it-
It... it begins with an "I", doesn't it?
That girl,
She’s pulling on me,
And the edges snap back into place.
It hurts.
Oh, it hurts.
I can feel the blood, and I want to scream,
I want to scream so badly-
But her name-
And there.
There it is.
In a sparrow overhead-
My sparrow-
I remember it now-
The little sparrow, letting it go, watching it fly-
Her name-
I...
Isau...
Isaura.
Isaura.
Isaura.
Isaura.
Isaura Merel.
And then it all comes back to me.
Suddenly, hitting me as hard as the blade that caused all of this.
And I-
I need to say something.
I cannot go quietly.
I.
Can't.
Go.
Quietly.
(But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and I want to scream, I want to scream like I did when I was little-)
I whisper, because anything louder is too much.
And even in my deranged state, I don't recognize my own voice.
Was it...
Was it ever this thin, this hoarse, this... this weak?
Was I ever this bad?
I don't...
I don't...
I don't remember.
Because it's all fading again-
The angles overhead thrown off-
That sparrow, it seems so near, but I know it's far.
Five words push their way up-
"Don't let them break you."
What...
Who is...?
Who's they?
But-
But there's more-
“Lead them... get our freedom back.”
The girl-
The-
Isaura- looks stunned, but she whispers anyway, "Yes... yes, I will."
And oh-
There-
Right there-
I cannot-
Who-
What-
Who is-?
What is-?
Where-
How-
How did I-
Who-
Because then the pain-
The pain-
So much worse than before-
And I'm screaming-
I know I'm screaming-
And nothing's coming out of my mouth-
And then... numbness.
But far above me... words.
Words from someone I do not even remember.
Words to someone I do not even remember.
"I promise."
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